drewswerds

Ah, the knock-knock joke. Almost never actually funny, the form has persevered in spite, much to my amazement and — unwittingly — my amusement as well.

The topic of knock-knock jokes for us started this past Memorial Day weekend when some of the kids from our neighborhood were over to visit Mr. P, the Snorg, and Phoobes (our two cats and Scottish Terrier, respectively). One of the smallest guys, upon spying the resplendent Mr. P on our kitchen counter, asked — in reverent tones — if he could give the old guy some pets.

Now, my digression at this point, will only go so far as to make you aware that my wife and I, in a completely natural and conversational way, have constructed little back-stories, plots, and dramas around the otherwise blissfully mundane lives of our pets.

Yes. We’re those kind of people. We crack each other up.

I won’t go into them all now, nor will I go into vast detail about Mr. P’s accolades as Mr. Fruits and Nuts, except to point out that he appreciates a good joke, and has a knack for telling them; jokes that cats find funny, anyway. Humor is, after all, highly personal.

So, as the little guy is itching to get a handful of the neighborhood’s most handsome abyssinian, I happen to mention this fact:

“He’ll really be your buddy if you tell him a joke. Mr. P loves jokes.”

And this is what I love about kids: The little guy, all wide eyed and tow-headed, stops in his tracks and gives this information his full consideration. He then confers with one of the older kids before presenting his joke, which he doles out thusly:

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say “banana”?

A classic. At the tender age of five, the kid’s already got his comedic chops in order. And I’m sure that anyone over the age of five who reads this will remember telling that exact same joke (ad nauseum, most certainly) when they were around the same age. Anyone under the age of five who reads this gets my wholehearted congratulations.

But the knock-knock joke itself: the call-and-response format, the horrible puns. When did it start? Why did it catch on? Why does it persist as an almost universal joke format after all these years? It is, after all, the only layman’s joke that requires the jokee’s full participation; a conciliatory straight-man, if you will.

According to Wikipedia, the form is popular in at least a dozen countries and has been since the 50’s, although they claim its roots date back to Shakespearean dialog. In France, toc toc jokes are expected to have a punchline that you can sing. Because the French like to be different.

But lets face it, in spite of the universal familiarity of the form, there aren’t that many good jokes out there. By good, of course, I mean funny. Mildly funny, at least.

So, after my beloved’s knock-knock quip sent me to work yesterday with a smile on my face, I set out polling my colleagues and friends for their best five-lined jape. And without further adieu, I present the official drewswerds.com top-five knock-knock jokes:

5. The Elmer Fudd knock-knock:

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub! I dwowning!

4. The pre-adolescent schoolyard bully’s knock-knock of choice:

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
I ate mop.
I ate mop who?
Gross! But as long as you’re not hungry, give me your lunch money, freak…

3. Everybody’s favorite vegetable knock-knock joke:

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Beets.
Beets who?
Beets me.

2. The politically savvy knock-knock:

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Ross Perot.
Ross Perot who?
See how quick people forget?

(I plan on replacing “Ross Perot” with “Rosie O’Donnell” in a couple of weeks and presenting the world with its first The View knock-knock joke. Because I’m a giver.)

1. And finally, my all-time, without reservation, absolute favorite knock-knock joke:

Knock-knock!
We gave at the office!

Altogether now…

Ba-dum-ching!